I don’t know if it’s just me but of late Kenyans have become experts on everything. Not that I am saying it’s wrong, it’s our country and we have all the right in the world to theoretically cook up whatever theories we want. But some of them are just plain absurd.

My favorite theories are on the just released census figures that are making Kenyans rave mad.

The kisii’s are arguing that there is no way they can be less than Somalis in this life time. Their reasons?
1. They claim that since rural electrification program has not yet reached their rural areas, there is only one hobby that people have after dark to keep themselves busy; they go home and make love with their spouses, night after night! There is got to be an outcome especially considering contraceptives are out of the question for rural married couples.
2. They claim most Somali men chew miraa which has a tendency to keep them out of the house till late, reduce libido and make them impotent. To quote one kissii gentleman, “Hawa watoto kwani wanatoka supermarket Eastleigh? Ama kuna offer Somali ya adopt one get two free?” (are these kids being bought from a supermarket in Eastleigh? Or is there adopt one get two free offer?)

The next groups of people that have beef are the Lunjes! The people of mokembelo! According to them, the lunje men are well known all over Kenya for their skills in bed. It’s their trademark! It’s their legacy! Their legend! Never has there been an instance whereby the lunje women have held a demonstration about their men not delivering their end of the deal in bed. To quote a lunje expert, “Kila saa tunaambiwa hawa wakikuyu ndio number one, na kilaa saa wanawake wao wanapeleka demonstration kwa chief ati waume zao wamekunywa changaa wameshindwa na kazi! Kwani hawa watoto wao wanatoa photocopy ama wana download kwa internet?” (We are always being told that the Kikuyus are the majority, and every now and then we see their women holding demonstrations because their husbands wont fulfill their duties due to changaa drinking. Are they photocopying these kids or downloading them off the net?)

There are so many theories out there about why the census figures appeared like they did and what the real situation on the ground is that we can write a book about it.

What I want to ask you is, what’s your theory? Be honest… Or even better, be imaginative about it. It’s a new Kenya and we have the right to be imaginative so go on, cook up a theory. You wont be the first… the government allegedly cooked up the numbers so why not us?

Dear Michael Joseph,

Hi Mike, how are you doing man? How’s the going buddy? You are good? Hope everything is swell on your end. Well, as for me I wish I could say the same but I am one pissed off loyal customer!!

See, the other day, your not so good friend Mr. Bharti offered me a very tempting offer but being the loyal customer that I am, I chose to stick by you knowing that since we had ‘the numbers’, you’d counter Mr. Bharti’s offer and do the reasonable thing by giving me an even sweeter deal.

Boy was I wrong! I mean Michael, what the hell man? Why are you abusing my intelligence? Is this what it has come down to after all this time we’ve been together? Is this what our relationship means to you? Am I that insignificant to you? Do I look that mentally challenged to you? An offer? Is that the best you could do? How can you give me an offer and one with conditions at that? Are you forgetting that I am not legally obligated to continue my relationship with you?

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw what you were offering me! A 1 month offer which only applies to pre-paid customers who only load their airtime through pin top ups! Why didn’t you just kick me in between my legs and tell me to go to hell Michael?

My dear Michael, I know I only have myself to blame for continuously remaining loyal to you even after you repeatedly mess me up with your ridiculously high calling rates, congestions on your network, unreachable customer care number and service interruptions but come on, I am not that head over heels for you sweetheart! Even those smitten by love tend to open their eyes and face reality after the honeymoon.

It’s with a big grin on my face and a sudden realization of how Michael granted you take me for that I am writing to you to say we are through! Am starting a new relationship with your not so good friend Mr. Bharti as soon as tomorrow.

We had a good thing going but you ruined it Michael! And when you can’t sleep at night thinking about me and how I walked out on our relationship, I want you to always remember that you’ll always have yourself to blame even in your retirement.

Titus Maina

PS: If this had anything to do with your retirement kitty, a simple call for donation would have worked wonders from myself and other M-Pesa users out there. We would have gladly contributed to your golden hand shake! Good bye Michael!

There are many theories as to why Mr. Al Bashir of Sudan would risk his ICC arrest warrant to attend Kenya’s promulgation ceremony. One theory is that he’s trying to prove to the ICC that he’s untouchable and their warrant means nothing. You know, just trying to piss off Ocampo!!

The second theory is that he’s just a party pooper whom knowing the hopes that Kenya has pinned on the ICC to prosecute those responsible for the post election violence, just came to ruin their greatest day with his presence.

The third and my favorite is that Mr. Bashir is simply a party animal! He heard there was a bash in Kenya which he was invited to and he simply couldn’t help it. He had to be there, he had to come and party till dawn! He had to come and put the roof on fire!! You know, he’s one of those guys who would risk it all, miss their deadlines or leave unfinished pile of work at the office just to attend a party? Allegedly that’s Al Bashir for you. He’s just a party animal!!

But on a serious note though, I don’t know who came up with the guest list for the promulgation ceremony but these are the kind of people we don’t want in Kenya’s future leadership. What in the world gave them the idea that inviting Bashir when we are waiting for Ocampo to issue arrest warrants for our PEV perpetrators was an awesome idea? I mean, seriously??? And to add a kg of salt to injury, Moses Wetangula had the audacity to tell Kenyans that the state had no apology to make and the fact that Al bashir is wanted by the ICC is none of our concern! Really??? Will the government say the same once Ocampo delivers arrest warrants for PEV suspects? Is this the meaning of a new constitution? That was just low on the part of the government. Shame on you for tainting our day!!!

As you know, XYZ is a show about Kenya, produced by Kenyans, for Kenyans. And yet, it manages to get attention from people all over the world. And we are always very happy when our 100% Kenyan show crosses the borders!

So we were honored and excited when XYZ caught the eye of Grammy-Winning Senegalese music legend Youssou N’Dour (www.youssou.com), who invited four members of our team to come meet him in Dakar, Senegal last weekend.

The purpose of the visit was for our team (XYZ production manager Lilian Geturo, director James Kanja, head puppet maker Gerald Olewe and myself) to conduct a 2-day workshop for TFM TV, a Senegalese television station owned by Youssou N’Dour. Yes, TFM TV is planning to produce an XYZ cousin there!

Youssou, who also owns a newspaper and radio station in Dakar, is a fan of XYZ and has been following the show’s progress. We had been in touch for a while, looking for ways to collaborate.

So we travelled to Senegal to talk to them about what producing such a show entails: how the puppets are made and operated, how to write satire, how to recruit puppeteers and voice talents, how to deal with political pressure, and how to direct puppets (and not humans!).

It was very exciting for us to make our experience producing XYZ available to others. In exchange, our hosts took great care of us, and we also had the opportunity to visit the historic Slave Houses in Goree island, which were used to house slaves before they were shipped across the Atlantic.

The next step will be for members of TFM TV to come visit our Nairobi studios and be trained by our puppet-making team here.

Youssou believes that this kind of pan-African collaboration is the way forward for media projects in Africa, and I certainly hope that this is the beginning of a long and beneficial relation between our two teams and our two countries.

Earlier this year, I watched in disbelief as the clergy came out fighting against the proposed constitution. I wasn’t in disbelief because they were against it but because of the “fire” and “vigor” they did it with. It’s like they were drowned with red bull minutes before their campaigns.

But what made me watch in awe was the miscalculation that the clergy had made. See, according to my theory (which is not necessarily true hence the appeal to any “church dude” who might be thinking of suing me not to), the clergy was feeling quite guilty and disconnected from the flock as a result of lack of their presence in post election violence. They needed something big to put them back on the map as far as Kenyans were concerned.

And just like manna from heaven, a constitution with “contentious” issues like “free abortion for all” and “domination by the Islam religion” fell onto their laps. And to make the matters worse, the government didn’t consult them in the drafting of this constitution like it had done with the bomas draft (which mark you had an abortion clause that they had given the thumbs up to). The clergy was exasperated and vowed revenge. They swore to remind the government on who’s boss when it comes to the favorite Kenyan political game of “who has the numbers?”.

So the clergy by default took an opposing side from the government on their quest to prove a point and for a while, they were so convinced of their influence on the Kenyan people that it was painful to watch. Even after various surveys concluded that the country would pass the new constitution, the Church would hear nothing of it. To them, they had the “right stuff” and there was no way the congregation would deviate from the churches’ defined path to “righteousness.”

Then the D-day came and half way into the counting of votes, some church dudes (pastors, preachers, etc.) held a press conference indirectly telling Kenyans that they shall burn in hell’s V.I.P for eternity for going against the Church’s stand and passing the constitution. What the Church had forgotten was the fact that Kenyans are becoming more intellectual and self-aware with every dawning day. We are no longer the sheep that just used to follow the shepherd straight into a hole. We are starting to ask the shepherd “why?” and not just “how?”.

My two pence advice to the Church is this: you are the Church, you are the ones we trust with guiding our moral and spiritual ways. In essence, you are responsible for making us into a better harmonious society. If you want us to follow you to war, fine! But make sure we are fighting for the right side or else we are going to join the “enemies” army and fight you.

I think the Church needs to sit down and reevaluate its role in today’s society which is evolving at an amazing rate. Only then can the Church regain its status as a pillar in the society.

Political conspiracies were a highlight of the just concluded referendum. In their droves, they came in, some absurd while others… well, seemed to have some shade of truth. All that coupled with the daily dosage of lies for or against the formerly proposed draft constitution, Kenyans had quite much to chew.

First conspiracy was of the KKK alliance of Kalonzo, Kenyatta and K-Ruto. It was alleged that their ploy was to use the constitution to tame the PM, Raila Odinga. Ruto’s input came in during the Naivasha talks where he led MP’s into deals that were considered to be ‘unacceptable’ to the PM. Their expectation was that the PM would come out strongly against the proposed constitution and they would gang up their troops to support the document. The PM’s embrace of the document caught them unaware. Apparently, the camp was thrown into confusion with Ruto coming out to strongly oppose the document and his other KKK partners left wondering on whether to support or oppose the document giving birth to what was commonly referred to as ‘watermelons’.

The watermelon conspiracy ten took centre stage. All those who gave the draft constitution a lukewarm reception got the watermelon tag. The allegations went further to claim that they did not only show apathy to the draft, they actually fought against it in the background. Allegedly led by Kalonzo Musyoka, others claimed to be in the group were Uhuru Kenyatta, John Michuki, George Saitoti, Njenga Karume and a host of leaders, mostly from GEMA, who were too close to the president to openly defy him but were seen as being uncomfortable, not with the draft parse, but with Raila’s role in the campaigns.

The above conspiracy was somewhat given credibility by the events that followed. There was the insertion of the phrase ‘National Security’ in some part of the bill of rights and the inconsequential ruling against the Kadhi Courts, which in any case, were done by people with so much influence in the government. The ‘watermelons’ got the credit.

The Uhuru Park bombing was to be the ultimate of conspiracies. First, the Al Shabaab were blamed for targeting the Christians who were against a constitution that ‘favored’ Muslims. The church was then blamed for bombing itself to gain sympathy and discredit their opponents. It looked too cheap to blame the ‘Yes’ camp as this would have strengthened the second conspiracy theory. They were let off the hook.

But the mother of all conspiracies had to be the one involving Moi and Ruto. Apparently, the old man had nothing to lose in the campaigns and subsequent enactment of a new constitution. His was simply a ploy to tarnish Ruto’s name and remind Kenyans that he, the corrupt and ruthless leader, was the one who taught Ruto politics. It is claimed that this taint is too permanent for Ruto to clean and he just can’t make it to any meaningful national political office. This, it is said, is in revenge to the embarrassment Moi was subjected to under Ruto in 2007.

Well, which of the above conspiracies sound real?

I just want to take this opportunity and congratulate Kenyans on passing the proposed constitution in the just concluded referendum. Well done fellow citizens. It makes one proud to be a Kenyan.

I am proud to be a Kenyan because of a number of observations I made during the referendum campaigns as well as during the voting day.

1. We are actually capable of campaigning and voting in peace. Apart from the Uhuru park incidence, the campaigns were very peaceful and so were the elections. I guess we are growing democratically as a country.
2. People actually decided to read, understand and decide for themselves rather than listening to a few misleading individuals who were up to no good. Congratulations Kenyans, this too is maturity of the highest order. Keep paying attention to the things that matter and you’ll never go wrong. Keep it up!
3. A lot of people took time to read and understand the constitution. This means a lot of people are very aware of their rights as well as the rule of law which puts Kenya a step ahead. I hope the police and city council askaris read their copies too.

In short, I believe this is the first step to a brighter future for this country. When the time comes and we start ripping the fruits of the new constitution, take a moment and reflect back to this day; part yourself on the shoulder and proudly say, “I helped make this happen by voting YES!”

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve expressed my views through this blog as to why I am voting YES in the upcoming referendum. With a day to go, I wish to indulge you once again as to why I am eagerly waiting for the 4th of August to cast my vote.

For years, we’ve helplessly sat back and watched as the executive appointed incompetent cronies to head ministries. Cabinet positions have been dished out as candy to those who are in the good books of the president in Kenya since time immemorial. People with absolutely no experience in finance have been appointed as ministers for finance, high school dropouts appointed as ministers for special programs, high school graduates appointed as ministers for health and so on. We’ve seen various ministries that are so inefficient that people don’t even have a clue as to what they do. Others are completely incapable of delivering services to the citizens thanks to the clueless head of these ministries. But not anymore!

Thanks to a clause in the proposed constitution, things are going to change around here.

1. No minister is going to be a member of the parliament. This means that there is no more dishing out of cabinet positions to please cronies after general elections.
2. Ministers are going to be approved by the parliament after appointment by the president.

Meaning that at last we can see ministers appointed as a result of their experiences and not loyalty.
This may sound like a cliché but, my fellow brothers and sisters, the truth is that the future of this country is in our hands and to be more specific, it’s in our votes. When August 4th comes, I am going to vote YES because I believe the proposed constitution has this country’s best interests at heart and I’d urge you to do the same. But whatever you decide your vote to be, the most important thing is that you do so with a clear conscious and most of all, peacefully. Whether we are for YES or for NO, let’s all remember that we are Kenyans first and there is absolutely no reason for violence. Have a wise voting day!